I stayed strong all 9 days and didn’t test early. Last Thurs was my blood draw, I hadn’t been feeling anything and I thought for sure if I was pregnant I certainly must feel something. Right?!?! My appt was at 7:45 and by 9:00 the clinic was calling me with the results. I was at work so I found an empty cube where I could talk and have a little bit of privacy. The nurse asked what I thought it was and I told her I thought it was negative and she said I couldn’t be more wrong, I was pregnant. My beta came back at 95. I was crying and babbling how this had been the hardest 9 days and how I didn’t feel pregnant. Nurses really do see the best and worst of you when you’re going through infertility. Two days later I went back in for another blood draw and my numbers rose to 228. The clinic called me on Mon and I have my first ultra sound scheduled for Aug 6th. So what do I do in the meantime? Keep being pregnant without knowing if it’s progressing like it should be? I’ve definitely started to feel bloated and my boobs are sore. I keep waiting for the nausea and the tiredness to hit me but so far nothing yet. I think once that happens I’ll relax and know my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, growing my baby. I’ve been here three times before and when we went in for the ultra sounds there was never a heart beat. So Aug 6th is a huge day for us. I made another appt for acupuncture at least that will help me feel like I’m doing something. I’m trying to take one day at a time but it’s hard. So my win for today is being 5 weeks pregnant…cue the tears in my eyes!
This might actually be the very last day that I take all of these meds. Tomorrow I go in for my blood draw to see if I’m pregnant. The transfer was perfect I did everything right leading up to the day. I did acupuncture before and after transfer. I was on bed rest for two days and stayed in bed almost the whole time. I had another acupuncture appt four days after transfer because that’s what my acupuncturist recommended. This is it for me, seven years in the making has led me to this exact moment. I’m scared and I’m sad. I don’t feel anything even though I’ve googled myself pregnant every day since transfer….it’s self torture I don’t recommend it. I want to be positive but infertility has ripped that ability away from me, it’s turned me into a jealous and bitter person and I hate that part of me. I’m going in expecting the worse so when the call comes maybe the news will hurt less because it’s what I’ve known all along. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why this path was chosen for me. People tell me that I should have peace knowing I did everything that I could. I think when your heart wants something so badly nothing gives you peace.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for 10 years and he’s Amazing! I wasn’t referred to him I just looked up a clinic that would accept my insurance and Andrew agreed to take me on as a patient. I remember driving to my first appt with butterflies in my tummy wondering if I was making the right decision to open up to a total stranger about some of the most personal things that were going on in my life.
Just a little background on why I started therapy. 6 weeks into my relationship with John he had a massive heart attack, he was only 26 yrs old. Our relationship was still so new we should have been out having fun with not a care in the world but his heart condition put a screeching halt to that. He spent a week in the hospital and had a stent put in. I’m going to use layman’s terms when I explain this, he was born with a heart defect that was never detected and one of his artery’s to the heart was curled so even the most minuscule amount of plaque blocked the artery which caused him to have a heart attack. It was a tough time for us, we instantly went from being carefree in our 20’s to dealing with physical therapy appts, medications, thousands of dollars in medical bills and the emotional toll a heart attack takes on a 26 year old guy who’s been an athlete all of his life. I’m not going to lie it was a lot to take on and it was hard on the both of us but I knew that there was something special about this fella that I just couldn’t walk away from. And that’s how our love story started, with a broken heart…literally.
I typically see Andrew for therapy once a week, throughout the 10 years I’ve taken breaks here in there but for the most part I’m consistent with once a week. Andrew has gotten me through a lot:
- the heart attack
- losing my job and then finding another one
- 3 miscarriages
- 2 tubal pregnancies
- 6 surgeries
- and everything Infertility related
He’s been my go to guy for so long, He talks me off the ledge and lets me shelf things that I’m just not ready to deal with yet. He calls me out on my bullshit and isn’t afraid to call me Teresa when I need to be set straight… just like my mom does. He’s become such an important person in my life because he’s seen me at my most vulnerable. A few weeks ago He told me he’s going out on FMLA and will most likely not be going back to the clinic. I know it’s selfish but all I can think of is how am I going to get through my last hurdle of infertility without him. This is the final chapter doesn’t he want to know how it ends, how can he just close the book and never think of me…maybe that’s how therapy works I don’t know because this is the only experience I have. How can someone know all of my secrets and struggles but yet I only know maybe 10 things about him. I’m embarrassed to write this but he feels like my friend and I’m losing him.
I had one last appt with him before he went out on leave. Driving to the office I felt just as nervous as I was the very first time I went. I never imagined that he would turn into such an important person to me. I cried hard and ugly in front of him while saying goodbye. How do you sum up 10 years and thank someone for always being there and never judging. It’s only been a few weeks and I miss our standing Saturday appointments, I got so much out of these last 10 years and I will forever be grateful.
The best of me + The best of him = The Best of Us. It seems like such a simple equation but when you mix in the science and the DNA of it all, that’s when things can get a little complicated. Even though I think we’re compatible in more ways than I can count, our DNA and egg quality may not.
My retrieval was on 4/6, this time around they were able to retrieve 14 eggs that’s 5 more than my last retrieval. Considering my age that’s a good number and I will gladly be ecstatic about it. Out of those 14 eggs 13 of them fertilized, again I’ll be ecstatic about that number as well. Then I had to wait 4 whole days to find out how many of those embryos made it to day 5. Cue my ecstatic state when I found out I had 4 mature on day 5. They sent my cells to Colorado for testing and out of those 4 only 1 came back genetically normal. I know…I know I should be ecstatic with 1 but I so wanted there to be 2 just in case. In case the first one didn’t work we would still have another shot, in case it did work and I somehow talked John into trying for baby #2. But here we are again with 1 embryo, it’s like I’m watching a rerun of my last retrieval. I did have my consult with the dr and found out that the 1 embryo we do have is a 4AA which my dr was very giddy about so it was hard to not also be giddy! She said looking at the embryo she would never guess it was from a 43 year old….I’ll take that as a compliment.
So now we wait for CD 1. I have found it’s so much easier to wait for something when it’s nice outside than when it’s below freezing with a foot of snow on the ground. I’ve got a lot to keep my occupied until then and just like preparing for retrieval the time will sneak up on me and I’ll be in the midst of drugs and all of the other worrying and over analyzing that goes along with a transfer. Is it weird that I want the time to go slowly this time because once it’s here I will know one way or another…Either I’m pregnant and my life will change drastically or I’m not and I continue living life as I know it; but that also means closing this chapter. For 7 years my life has been tracking, taking drugs, going to dr appts and waiting constantly for this or that. I’m not sure who I will be if I don’t have all of those things to preoccupy me. Either outcome is going to make me a different person and I pray with all of my heart that the stars align, my lining is at least an 8mm and this perfect little 4AA embaby decides to make its grand entrance into this world–because we’re ready to be the best parents ever!
Dr appts everyday this week.
2 snowstorms which made trips and traffic to the dr appts horrible.
I had a 2-hour job interview because really why not throw in a little more chaos to my week.
I ran out of meds twice because my transfer was pushed out because those follicles were taking their sweet ass time growing. We have one pharmacy that fills fertility meds and round trip it takes about an hour and 30 mins from start to finish and remember we got 2 snowstorms this week so again not fun with the driving. I can seriously see why couples get divorced over infertility because this shit is stressful! Thank god I’ve got one of the good guys because he’s been nothing but amazing through this entire process. He’s picked up the meds, gotten up before the sun to mix them and has shot me up every single time only drawing blood once or twice. He’s the one that keeps me balanced and he calls me a Warrior….hardly!
I have to be a the clinic at 7am tomorrow morning, I’m so ready to be done with this. I want my body and my emotions back. I want to feel normal for a few weeks with absolutely nothing in my system. I’m not nervous or afraid, I’m going into the retrieval with no expectations I have no idea idea how many eggs they will get or how many will make it to day 3 or day 5 and then how many will make it through the genetic testing. It’s all out of my hands and I know that I did everything possible for this to be successful. I’ve been taking my supplements for 8 months and in the last 35 days I’ve been to the gym every.single.day. and because of that my name is #7 on the biggest user wall at the gym! I feel healthy. Considering everything I’ve been through I’m going to chalk that up as a huge win.
Tonight we’re having a dinner date at Portillo’s because John always likes to do something special before I go in for what he calls crappy stuff. Cheers to this chaotic week ending on a positive note.
It’s in my blood to overthink and it’s just not about one thing or another, it’s about everything. When I went through my first IVF I wrote down that I was going to “Enjoy the Journey.” That didn’t work so well for me because I ended up not being pregnant. This time around I felt like I needed another phrase to focus on and it came to me when I was furniture shopping. I walked into the store and saw a pillow with the words in big black letters, “Don’t Overthink.” I’m not a huge impulse buyer but I walked out of that store with a $25 pillow and you know what, I didn’t overthink that purchase for even a second….the couch and loveseat I also ended up buying did cause me a lot of overthinking stress though….baby steps!
So things are getting real for me as I start the prep work for IVF #2. Leading up to this point we’ve had a few bumps in the road because naturally why wouldn’t we. It started with the clinic experiencing a security breach meaning all of our medical history ended up compromised, this was not a good first impression with our new clinic. I swear nothing is safe anymore. Then I got a letter stating the doctor I had been working with decided to leave the practice. Ugh…Seriously. I felt like she knew our story, showed us the compassion that made me feel good and was going to do everything in her power to help us make a baby and now she was leaving us. I had since met the other doctor who actually opened the clinic and she is just as amazing so I know I’ll still be in good hands. I’m finally at the point where CD1 starts, I have my baseline scheduled for the next day and I swear I can’t even make this up, I wake up with the flu. Like the kind that had me out of commission for 4 days. I was too sick to even cry about it, best diet in the world though. lol! Things get postponed another month only to have the nurse forget to tell me to start my priming meds. Again it’s hard to get mad because really what good would it do and I make mistakes at my job too even though I don’t have a job that affects someone’s life! It sucks that it got delayed but I want to be in a position where I know I’ve done everything possible to be successful. So I’m about a week away from CD1 and I’m hoping for an early April retrieval with no more bumps in the road. In the meantime I’m going to try really hard not to Overthink!
Last Friday I went to a funeral for my Auntie Grace. I like to think I got my flair for being Fabulous from her because she was the true definition of Fabulous and losing her has hit my family hard. If you really want to put your own life into perspective attend a funeral; a million thoughts raced through my mind as I sat through the service, mostly what would my older version of me look like without a child/children. Who would be sitting with me when it was time to say goodbye; totally depressing I know but it was a sad day already so why not. My Auntie Grace’s legacy wasn’t about her money or possessions it was about the 2 rows of people sitting in the front of the church, her husband of 59 years, her 3 children and her 6 grandchildren. I may never get to experience half of what she had but I promise myself I’m going to try to my hardest and pray that this round of IVF will be successful and at my end I will have the legacy I have fought so hard to get.
This morning I had to attend an IVF class that my clinic puts on as an overview of what to expect during the IVF process. Even though we’ve already been through IVF we still had to go because this is a new clinic for us. I had a rough weekend, I think the holidays are getting to me and I’m just so angry that each month we continue to try for a baby on our own and each month we’re not successful. On top of all of those feelings, plus having to be at the clinic at 7:30 this morning and knowing that the clinic just recently had been hacked and all of our medical records and personal information have been compromised I wasn’t in the best of moods going into this. It turned out to be a really positive appt, we sat through the overview which was just a nice refresher and then I met with my case nurse who was absolutely amazing! She listened to our concerns, answered our questions and was so compassionate. She shared that she had been through IVF as well so she gets it. I love connecting with people who actually get it and after the appt I gave her a big hug and thanked her for sharing her story with us. It’s so nice to be at a clinic that actually cares and I’m super excited to start the protocol, it’s so different than the first one I was on. They start by prepping you for about 3 weeks prior to injections so hopefully I’ll start that sometime within the next 8-10 days. If all goes well the retrieval will be the end of Jan with a transfer in late Feb/early March. That seems forever away but I know in reality it will be here before I know it. So here we go again….