You know what’s depressing? When people I know…people my age start becoming grandmas. Seriously how is that even fair! This past weekend my 39 year old cousin became a grandma. I saw the pictures on FB and jealousy immediately overtook me. I don’t get it because I’ve been in a loving relationship for 8 years, we’re established in our jobs and with our finances. We’ve struggled for 4 years trying for our family, we’ve spent money, we’ve swallowed our pride and have done all of the necessary surgeries and tests that were supposed to help our chances. Our relationship, our sex life and who we are as people has been affected. Does this make me angry…you bet it does. Why is it fair that her son knocks up a girl he doesn’t love and they get a perfect baby girl out of the deal and I’m still struggling through the two week wait.

I can test on Friday but I’ve already mourned the fact that I know it will be negative. John wants me to take a month off to give my body a break from it all. I feel like waiting a month isn’t an option for us anymore so I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing. Every month I get a negative it makes me wonder what the bigger picture is for me. If I’m not supposed to be a mom what else is there?!?!