Bad news…I went in for my US last Fri and there was still no heartbeat, the Dr called it a blight ovum. This is my 3rd blight ovum so I wasn’t surprised with anything he told me. They drew blood because he wanted to see where my hormone levels were at, If they are high I’m going to have to go in for a d&c if they’re low enough I’m just going to let my body miscarry on its own. At this point I’m not sure which one is really better, I’ve done both in the past and to be honest neither is easy so I’ll just wait for the call this afternoon and take the recommendation of the dr.
I’m trying to get my feelings under control. My whole time at the clinic seems foggy, I was there but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything. The receptionist immediately came up to me and gave me a big hug. Seriously these people that work at my clinic are absolutely amazing, if it wasn’t for them I think I would have quit years ago. I’ve been going through the motions of life when in reality I just want to not have to pretend that I’m happy and that life is good. I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m pissed and broken. I want to be able to cry and not feel bad about it. I was so embarrassed when I left the clinic, embarrassed because my body has failed me again. It breaks my heart to look into John’s eyes and to see his sadness.
I saw my therapist on Saturday and he asked me where I’m going to go from here? I can’t admit defeat yet, I somehow need to find the strength to get through the next few weeks, take the 2 month break the dr is going to make me take and pick back up from the beginning. Does that make me crazy…possibly but we’ve come way too far to not see how the story ends.