The Negative has become the norm

When I was at Target the other night I picked up another 2-pack of pregnancy tests. I asked John how much he thought we’d spent on these tests since we started. He’s like I don’t know but so much that I can now go down this aisle and feel comfortable buying anything. What a trooper! I caved and took the test one day early and just as I suspected it was negative. This time I wasn’t mad or sad, I looked at it tossed it in the trash and didn’t go back searching for it wondering if just maybe a line had magically appeared. Yeah that’s never happened to me so I’m not sure why I still have the urge to fish it out of the garbage. I’m starting to wonder why the negative tests don’t affect me anymore. Makes me wonder if I’m preparing myself for the end of my trying to be a mom journey. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately….like what amazing thing can I do with my life if I never reach mom status. I’m definitely not in love with my job and probably never will be so I won’t be one of those career women who gets complete satisfaction from her 8-5 job. If not kids, if not job than what else? What is going to make me feel whole? Insert sigh here…if it was only that easy of a question to answer, I’m working on it though just in case I need a Life Plan B.

So here I am on CD 2, kudos for the flow to at least show up on schedule. I have a message out to my nurse to schedule my baseline and to hopefully have another month of being cyst free so I can get my Letrozole refilled. I guess then it’s back to feeling all of the feelings that I wrote about in my last blog post. It’s actually going to be a good rest of the month, we’re taking a trip in 23 days so my mind is mentally preparing for the beach, dinner at my favorite restaurants and spending some much needed alone time with My Love.

Here’s to hoping….

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