If I’m not a Mom who am I.

That question has been weighing on me for about a  year now. As the days turn into months and the months into years it’s starting to become more of a reality and I don’t know how to answer it. I have a lot of quiet time in my head and I feel like this is a constant conversation I have with myself. I’m not one of those people who loves what I do for a job so I know that will never fulfill me. Sure we travel but there’s only so much time off we get from work. So if I have to live a childless life, what will that life look like? John says it will be just like it is now but that’s where he’s wrong. The last 5 years I’ve consumed my life tracking, going to dr appoints, taking meds, having timed intercourse, peeing on sticks, getting my hopes up and picking myself up just to do it all over again. You take that away from me and I don’t know who I will be any more. I’m secretly mad all of the time….I put on a fake smile so no one sees the heartache that I live with every day. I just wish I had more time.

The dr increased my Letrozole this month to 10mg and I responded well which I knew I would because I’ve always done well on the 5mg. I had 4 follicles all within perfect size. My IUI was a week ago. The first few days I was so hopeful but as test day gets closer I become more angry and pissed off because I’m feeling like it didn’t work again.

I want to leave you with a video that I’ve watched half a dozen times and have cried each time. It’s only 2 mins so watch it, I promise it will be worth it.

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “If I’m not a Mom who am I.

  1. This is how I feel completely, I feel if I am not a Mum I have no purpose, I need to love and nurture, it’s inbuilt in me, always has been, if I can’t have children ever then life is pointless. Beautiful video btw, felt emotional watching it. x

    Liked by 1 person

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