You can have zero symptoms and still be pregnant.

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I stayed strong all 9 days and didn’t test early. Last Thurs was my blood draw, I hadn’t been feeling anything and I thought for sure if I was pregnant I certainly must feel something. Right?!?! My appt was at 7:45 and by 9:00 the clinic was calling me with the results. I was at work so I found an empty cube where I could talk and have a little bit of privacy. The nurse asked what I thought it was and I told her I thought it was negative and she said I couldn’t be more wrong, I was pregnant. My beta came back at 95. I was crying and babbling how this had been the hardest 9 days and how I didn’t feel pregnant. Nurses really do see the best and worst of you when you’re going through infertility. Two days later I went back in for another blood draw and my numbers rose to 228. The clinic called me on Mon and I have my first ultra sound scheduled for Aug 6th. So what do I do in the meantime? Keep being pregnant without knowing if it’s progressing like it should be? I’ve definitely started to feel bloated and my boobs are sore. I keep waiting for the nausea and the tiredness to hit me but so far nothing yet. I think once that happens I’ll relax and know my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, growing my baby. I’ve been here three times before and when we went in for the ultra sounds there was never a heart beat. So Aug 6th is a huge day for us. I made another appt for acupuncture at least that will help me feel like I’m doing something. I’m trying to take one day at a time but it’s hard. So my win for today is being 5 weeks pregnant…cue the tears in my eyes!

 

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So many meds

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This might actually be the very last day that I take all of these meds. Tomorrow I go in for my blood draw to see if I’m pregnant. The transfer was perfect I did everything right leading up to the day. I did acupuncture before and after transfer. I was on bed rest for two days and stayed in bed almost the whole time. I had another acupuncture appt four days after transfer because that’s what my acupuncturist recommended. This is it for me, seven years in the making has led me to this exact moment. I’m scared and I’m sad. I don’t feel anything even though I’ve googled myself pregnant every day since transfer….it’s self torture I don’t recommend it. I want to be positive but infertility has ripped that ability away from me, it’s turned me into a jealous and bitter person and I hate that part of me. I’m going in expecting the worse so when the call comes maybe the news will hurt less because it’s what I’ve known all along. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why this path was chosen for me. People tell me that I should have peace knowing I did everything that I could. I think when your heart wants something so badly nothing gives you peace.

The Eve before IVF #2

Dr appts everyday this week.

2 snowstorms which made trips and traffic to the dr appts horrible.

I had a 2-hour job interview because really why not throw in a little more chaos to my week.

I ran out of meds twice because my transfer was pushed out because those follicles were taking their sweet ass time growing. We have one pharmacy that fills fertility meds and round trip it takes about an hour and 30 mins from start to finish and remember we got 2 snowstorms this week so again not fun with the driving. I can seriously see why couples get divorced over infertility because this shit is stressful! Thank god I’ve got one of the good guys because he’s been nothing but amazing through this entire process. He’s picked up the meds, gotten up before the sun to mix them and has shot me up every single time only drawing blood once or twice. He’s the one that keeps me balanced and he calls me a Warrior….hardly!

I have to be a the clinic at 7am tomorrow morning, I’m so ready to be done with this. I want my body and my emotions back. I want to feel normal for a few weeks with absolutely nothing in my system. I’m not nervous or afraid, I’m going into the retrieval with no expectations I have no idea idea how many eggs they will get or how many will make it to day 3 or day 5 and then how many will make it through the genetic testing. It’s all out of my hands and I know that I did everything possible for this to be successful. I’ve been taking my supplements for 8 months and in the last 35 days I’ve been to the gym every.single.day. and because of that my name is #7 on the biggest user wall at the gym! I feel healthy. Considering everything I’ve been through I’m going to chalk that up as a huge win.

Tonight we’re having a dinner date at Portillo’s because John always likes to do something special before I go in for what he calls crappy stuff. Cheers to this chaotic week ending on a positive note.

 

Chances.

I knew in my heart that when my cycle in July failed that I wasn’t done. I found a new clinic to work with and my experience has been so different with them. I’ve had to start from scratch with all of the testing but it’s been worth it because I feel like they’ve been more thorough and they have a different approach on treating me due to my history. I had an appt earlier this week to talk about all of my lab results so we could determine if my levels were still good enough to use my own eggs or if we should consider donor eggs. All of my lab work came back within normal range which is pretty amazing consider I’m almost 43. This doctor is completely ok with me using my own eggs. The protocol would be a little different than I did last time which may or may not improve the amount of eggs that they retrieve. We talked about the option of using donor eggs and what would be involved if we went that route. I will admit that I was starting to think donor might be the way for us to go because it’s been 6 years and even though my levels are within normal range we’ve either miscarried or had tubal pregnancies. I felt like we had a pretty big decision ahead of us and the dr was very supportive and told us to take the time we needed to think it over. All that changed when we met with the finance person, I feel like once again the wind was knocked out of me. She showed us the pricing for doing an IVF cycle using my own eggs. My insurance will cover almost all of one IVF cycle minus the cost of medications which I would have to pay for out of pocket. My insurance will not cover donor eggs and the breakdown from start to finish would cost between $27k-$29k out of our pockets.

I can’t fathom paying $27k but I also can’t fathom going through another IVF cycle, ending up with one good egg and not having it work. Nothing about this journey has been easy and once again this decision we need to make solidifies that.

Ugh what to do…what to do….

On a side note, I read on someone’s blog this morning that today is IVF’s 40th birthday and over 5M babies have entered this world after being conceived with the help of medical intervention. It prompted me to google IVF and to read up on the history, it’s some pretty amazing stuff that happened 40 years ago and is still happening today. So if you’re one of those 5M in one capacity or another celebrate it! I may not be a mom yet but I’m still going out tonight to get a cupcake because if it wasn’t for those doctors and the Brown family who took a chance I wouldn’t be where I am today. Maybe this journey is all about taking chances…..and praying that the chance is history changing.

Beta Day Blues

Sometimes all of the money in the world doesn’t guarantee you a baby. $14k that’s what we spent on this round, we even spent the extra $2400 to ensure it was a genetically good embryo and it was. I took a HPT this morning because I’ve hated my clinic since Day 1 and I didn’t want them to be the ones to tell me one way or the other, I wanted to be mentally prepared. I took the test feeling 90% sure I was going to see a positive and when I didn’t I was in shock. Like seriously WTF are you kidding me! I showed up to the clinic for the blood draw pissed off. The waiting room is small and it was packed like most times I’m there. I had to sit next to a woman who held her 2-year-old boy on her lap. The little boy kept smiling at me, normally I would have engaged in some sort of response back but I just stared ahead cursing in my head the terrible music that was blasting overhead. It’s heartbreaking to see other women waiting to be called back, I always wonder where they are in their journey. I wish I would have the courage to just look up and give them a smile and tell them I get it but I never do. I feel embarrassed even sitting there myself, maybe they do too. No wonder infertility is such a taboo in our society even the ones that should be talking about it like myself are too embarassed to do so.

I honestly don’t know where this news will take me. I’ve said from the beginning if we didn’t end up having children I would need to make some sort of change in my life because literally trying for a family has been my life for the past 6 years. I’m not sure who I am without tracking cycles, taking meds, timing our intercourse and all of the dr appointments that go along with that. I feel like I’ve lost my identity because of infertility, I feel sad and I feel very lost.