These last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve gotten where I’ve gotten. I have a tendency to get all nostalgic during the big events in my life and considering my transfer is 13 days away my mind has been on overload. We’ve been on this journey for 6 years and in 22 days we’ll know if the fight was worth it or if we’re done with it all. I’m scared…scared that we’ll get our positive, scared that we won’t, scared to walk away from all of this with our heads held high knowing we did everything in our power to bring home our 1plus1shouldequal3. I was so naive in the beginning, I’m not anymore. Inferitlity has taught me more about myself, my body, my relationship, the people around me and my finances than I ever would have cared to know. It’s scarred me up on the inside and the out and a part of me hates it and another part of me is grateful. It’s weird how you can hate something but yet be grateful at the same time. I’m grateful because it’s given me a voice and has taught me how to be the biggest advocate for myself. It’s challenged my relationship but hasn’t damaged it. With every obstacle, let down and heartache John has been there for me and I’ve fallen in love with him more and more every day because of it. I’m going to leave you with my favorite lyric that I blast everytime I feel any doubt or sadness. Thanks for being my inspiration Eminem!
If you had
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture
Or just let it slip?
It’s been a week since I got the results from my embryo genetic screening. One embryo froze on day 5, one embryo on day 6 and one embryo on day 7. I waited 10 days to get the PGS results, 10 big X’s marked my calendar in red pen. Silly me to think that all three of my snowflakes would be genetically perfect. The Dr started the conversation with you have one genetically good embryo and then proceeded to tell me the fate of my other two. I didn’t think I would be so emotional about the ones that essentially wouldn’t make it, I cried and then when I was done crying I felt sad like really sad. Everybody was like, “but you have one, that’s all you need.” I couldn’t even be excited about one because I wanted two that way I was guaranteed another chance in case the first one didn’t take. So here I am a week later knowing I’ve got one chance to make this happen and I’m going to do whatever it takes phyically and mentally to be in the best spot possible. Right before I started my injections I decided to give up soda and to add an extra day or two into my weekly gym schedule, this is probably the only area of my infertile life I feel like I can control. I have a nurse consult on May 25th and my tentative transfer date is set for July 5th, which was the soonest they could even get me in. They were quick to send me a bill for the transfer, I’ll have to pay them another $2500 when I go in for my appt on the 25th. This will bring our total out of pocket up to $16,000, ugh that just makes me cringe.
John surprised me and booked us a week long FL beach vacation and we leave next weekend! Cue my money meltdown, how can we afford a vacation when we’re spending so much on IVF. He talked me off the ledge and convinced me that we needed this and he didn’t care how much it cost. He’s got a point, it’s been a crazy two months with him having his knee surgery which he finally got off his crutches last week and all of the IVF stuff we’ve been doing and we still have another two months until transfer. So all money worries are going to be set aside and I’m going to focus on what’s important and that’s keeping my head in the IVF game and re-connecting with my better half.
Actually yesterday was the big day but I didn’t realize how painful this whole thing was going to be and I spent the majority of the day recovering. Seriously was the retrieval painful for you? I don’t know how people do retrievals more than once, you all deserve a huge pat on the back if you’ve attempted this multiple times. They told me that I would be fine taking extra strength tylenol, that did nothing for me, thank god I had a few extra pain pills from a past surgery. Today is less bad but I’m still really bloated and if I push on my stomach or move the wrong way it’s very uncomfortable. Thank goodness this landed on the weekend because there’s no way I could have gone to work. They retrieved 9 eggs, I was hoping for a few more especially since when I went in on Thursday morning I had more than 9. It is what it is though. The lab will be calling me tomorrow to let me know how things are progressing.
This is a card I gave to John the day before the retrieval. I bought this card 2 years ago, it’s been with us on 3 different vacations in the hopes I would get my BFP and I could give it to him but it never happened. I thought giving it to him now would be the perfect time. It just makes me smile.
I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow but what I do know is we gave it the best shot we could. Here’s to hoping and wishing for the best news possible!
I thought I would keep with the drinking theme since I’m so amused by my terrible humor. Today marked Day 12 of Stims…seriously 12 days how did that go so fast but yet so slow. I took my last 2 stim shots this morning and tonight at exactly 9:30pm we trigger. Holy Hell! So here are my stats from my ultrasound this morning. On the right side I have 5 follicles sizes: 17, 17, 16, 16 and a 13. On my left side I have 7 follicles sizes: 21, 20, 19, 15, 14, 12 and 11. When the nurse called me this afternoon she told me for my age (ugh) those numbers are amazing and that I should be proud. I’m definitely patting myself on the back for these past 12 days. I’ve learned some things along the way that I want to share with you.
John has mixed up and given me every single shot and he’s been amazing. If the roles were reversed and I had to shoot him up everyday I’m not sure I would be as patient as he’s been. I think I’ve fallen in love with him all over again. Man I’m one lucky girl.
John told me something that I didn’t know….if you cough while you’re getting a shot it hurts less bad. Seriously how did I not know this. I go overboard with the coughing but I’m ok with that, anything that lessens my pain I’m all about.
I got my meds from Freedom Fertility and I’ve never talked to a nicer bunch of people. Every time I called I would get a different representative but what stayed consistent was the compassion that they had for me. Earlier this week I had to refill one of my meds and I needed it to arrive to me the next day but right away in the morning. I was quoted an expedited shipping amount that was almost as much as the drug I was ordering. The girl on the phone told me I was already going through so much that I didn’t need to worry about paying the extra fee and she would wave it this one time. I actually cried when she told me, it’s nice knowing that people still care and the simple act of waving the expedited shipping made my whole day.
When I went in for my last ultrasound this morning I had the nurse put a circle on my butt so John knows where he needs to stick me. This is the only shot I’ve been nervous about, the needle is long and thick and she told us you need to jab it in like it’s a dart. I will not be coughing when he gives me this shot because I’d hate for him to miss the bulls-eye. 50 minutes and counting.
The retrieval is scheduled for 9:30am this Saturday. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited, nervous and scared all wrapped up in one. Over the last 12 days I’ve kept my glass half full attitude, I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again, we’ve come too far to not have this work.
I had an ultrasound this morning, this is the first one I’ve had since taking the injectibles. My right side had 6 and my left had 10, the nurse called it Sweet 16. I know they’re not all going to mature but that number gives me hope today. Hope that the drugs continue doing their job and that we’re one day closer to retrieval. I go back on Friday to see how I’m progressing. The science behind this whole process absolutely amazes me and the things I’ve learned along the way is more than I ever anticipated. I’m excited to see what Friday has in store for us.
Yesterday I started my shots…cue holy hell breakdown, is this really happening?!? I cried and not because I’m scared of the needles or the meds that are about to invade my body for the next 10 days. I cried because we’ve worked so hard to make it to this point when we never thought we’d have a chance in hell to do IVF.
John mixed the Menopur which was a little overwhelming since it was our first time but he was a champ. After he gave me the shot he kissed my belly and surprised me with a present, he told me that he has a present for me for everyday he has to give me a shot. I love this guy so much! I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now. I hate to admit it but I’m a glass half empty girl, I’ve been this way my whole life. I had an ephiany as I was coming into work this morning, we’ve worked too hard to have this fail and that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself maybe even shouting it every time I have a negative thought that enters my head. We deserve to be parents and I’m not going to let the waiting game and the statistics define what we’ve set out to accomplish for the last 6 years.
Last week I gave the clinic a payment of $10,190 and you know what I felt good about doing it. We ended up not taking out a loan because the interest rate was so high (yeah over 8%..I think not) so instead we took it out of our savings. Someone said…that’s why you have savings and there’s no better thing to use it for than this. It literally took someone else saying those words to me that made me realize savings was the way for us to go. Thankfully my insurance does have a fertility medication allowance so I only had to pay the co-pays for my meds which came to $240. That seemed like a big win for us!
I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wed morning, I’m not really anticipating anything huge to happen during that appt since it will only be the start of stim day 4. I’m expecting that as the week goes on I’m going to start getting moody because of the hormones so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself. I thought it would help by watching my carb and sugar intake this week (thank you pcos) and I’ve been going to the gym and walking on the treadmill and I’m trying to drink more water. I’m sure this is all a mind over matter thing but at least it’s something to distract me.
I wrote in my goal journal at the beginning of the year that I was going to enjoy the journey so here we are in the thick of things but yet still 3 months away from transfer. I’m going to try my hardest to take one day and one appointment at a time.
Literally…I’m sitting in the hospital waiting room while John is in surgery having his leg broken to fix his dislocated knee. It’s so weird because I’ve been through 5 surgeries and he’s been the strong one and the one who always kept it together for me and now I’m the one that has to step up to the plate and be the strong one. The timing on this is terrible, he’s going to be on crutches for 6 weeks and will have to wear a leg brace for 8 months…seriously 8 freaking months!! Did I mention in 25 days I start my meds for IVF. If we survive this we’re going to take a celebratory trip because we’ll definitely deserve it.
Yesterday we met with our IVF dr to go over all of our test results. The only thing that came back a tad abnormal was the morphology of his sperm, they weren’t the best but with IVF that won’t matter. I feel hopeful. On one hand I feel like time is dragging but on the other I feel like I want it to drag so John can start his healing process and I can start mentally preparing for all of the hormones that I’m going to be shooting into my body.
So things are moving along in all aspects of life right now. We’re refinancing our home with a cash out to pay for our IVF and it’s almost to the closing phase. Crazy that we’re taking out $15k and the payment is only going up $150 and that’s with shortening the loan by 5 years. I think that’s a win for us! My main focus is taking care of my honey and hoping that his recovery is a lot quicker than they expect because I’m going to need him once I start the IVF. I just love him so much and I want him to be better.
I’m a pageant lover….I’ve run in one, I’ve judged one, I watch them and I totally support what they represent and the amazing gift you get by being involved whether you win or not. I never went to prom and it’s probably the one thing from my high school days that I truly feel like I missed out on and it’s something that weighed on me for years after the fact. Silly I know but I wanted that whole getting my hair done and dressing up experience. When I was in my 20’s I met a girl who ran in several pageants and she talked me into running….finally I could have my prom experience! Talk about putting yourself out there, I was surrounded by beautiful talented women all who by the way had past pageant experience. It wasn’t the best time in my life for running in a pageant, I had lost my job and was trying to keep my shit together from a breakup. Somehow though I put my game face on and for 3 months I attended cocktail parties, went through etiquette classes, sat through interviews with judges, answered the dreaded fish bowl questions, visited schools and nursing homes, was in a fashion show and met people that have forever changed my life. Those 3 months taught me so much about myself. I have a voice and I can stand up in front of room of 100 people and talk and know that that I’m not going to die of embarrassment. I’m just as beautiful and talented as all of those other girls that were running even though I didn’t have the past pageant experience that they did. I never imagined how much I would gain from just being a candidate, I found Myself and the self-esteem that I had been missing. The night of coronation I got to experience “My Prom” I had the perfect gown, my hair was done and I was ready to cross that stage with a new confidence that I’ve never had before. There were 4 princess and 1 queen crowned that night, never in a million years did I think I would be one of the girls that was crowned but I was. So for a year I dedicated my life to being a princess, for every event I dressed up, put on my sash and crown. We attended even more coronations, parades, dinners, and parties that I ever imagined, the final count came back at more than 400+events for the year. I traveled and met thousands of people along the way and hopefully left a lasting impression on some of them. During my reign I built a relationship with the other 3 princesses and queen, we truly became a Royal Family and I love them just like they are my sisters. I’m sharing all of this with you because last week I got together with my Royal Ladies and as we were gabbing away catching up on each other’s lives I blurted out “I’m doing IVF.” In the past I’ve been very selective in who I share my journey with, it’s only been a select few. I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of keeping this to myself, I want to tell anyone and everyone who will listen. They were super excited for me but what touched me the most came from my friend Stefanie, she said to me “having a baby will be the biggest jewel in your crown.” OMG she just melted my heart and made me tear up, I am going to cherish those words for the rest of my life because she’s so right. Infertility, the miscarriages and surgeries have brought me to such a dark place but I’ve survived…John and I have survived and when we start our IVF protocol next month I’m going go in there with so much hope and believe with all of my being that my jewel is awaiting us.
I sat across the desk from the RE as he paged through a ream of paper. Those papers are the last 5 years of my life. I chocked back the tears thinking about the diagnosis, surgeries and losses, now they were all sitting in front of me in a nice and neat file folder. Gosh I wish the last 5 years had been that nice and neat. To be honest I don’t know how I physically or mentally got through those years but here I am today talking to an RE about giving it one last shot and trying IVF, something I thought I would never be able to do.
We scheduled a tentative date of March 26th to start the process. Both John and I have a few follow-up things to do before we can proceed so that will give us time to get those done. Considering my age and our miscarriage history we decided to do the Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS). We both feel good about that decision and I know it will be money well spent. Any words of wisdom from anyone else who has gone through the screening please share your knowledge with me. The RE wanted to know if once we found out the genders if we would want to implant one vs the other. I guess I never really thought that would be an option, I guess that’s something to think about if we make it to that point. Probably a blog post for another day.
So how am I going to make it through the next few months and not worry about it everyday? Will I produce enough eggs, what if they don’t make it to 5 day, what if we do the screening and we don’t have any that come back normal, how crazy are the shots going to make me, am I strong enough to go through all of this, how in the heck will we pay for this! These are the things that have been occupying my brain since I made the appt back in Nov. I know I drive John crazy with all of my overthinking, heck I drive myself crazy with my thinking!
Things just got Real really quick!
I’m terrible at opening my mail, I’ll let it pile up on the table for a month and then I’ll put it in a plastic shoe box and maybe I’ll go through some of it but chances are I won’t ever touch it. Well with it being a new year I told myself I wanted to get more organized and that means tackling the container of mail that I’d been neglecting. Most it of it was junk…until I came across the letter from my insurance company about my fertility treatment, I’m embarrassed to admit but the letter was dated 10/17. This paragraph brought tears to my eyes…
Beginning Jan 1, 2017 Ameriprise Finanical has elected to increase the lifetime maximum fertility benefit to $20,000 for medical expenses and $10,000 for pharmacy expenses.
All I can say is WOW! Our appt with the RE is on the 17th and let me tell you this news definitely puts the money part of my brain at ease. Maybe Baby in 2017!