Healing.

Nothing prepares you for a failed transfer. It was the darkest of days, I closed myself off from my family and my friends. I cried hard and was angry with everyone and everything. I believed with all of my heart that I was pregnant and then the dr called, “I’m sorry you’re not pregnant” no emotion just the facts. It was like a sucker punch. It’s been six weeks since that phone call and I’m healing.

A few months ago I was asked to judge a pageant and I really think being a part of the pageant world again helped heal my heart. The events filled my calendar and no matter how much I dreaded getting all dressed up, doing my hair and putting on make-up at the end of the night I felt good about myself again. I re-connected with old friends, made new ones and was honored to be able to give two lucky girls a title and a crown that they will forever hold in their hearts. The whole experience was life changing and was presented to me exactly when I needed it the most and for that I feel very grateful.

So now the question I keep asking myself is “where do I go from here.” I’m fighting with my insurance company because they denied my claim, they told me that I was out of network so I’m in the process of appealing that. There is no way I’m getting stuck with this $14k bill. The #1 reason we were even able to do IVF was because my insurance increased my coverage to $20k and I never would have used a clinic that wasn’t in my network. They make you jump thru so many hoops in the hopes you get discouraged and give up but I’m in this one until the very end.

I’m meeting with my ob/gyn in 2-weeks for a few reasons. 1) she’s amazing and has a passion for women’s health specifically fertility issues. 2) I’m going to see if it might be beneficial to go in for laparoscopy to get my endo cleaned out again. 3) This last one is my own selfish reason, I just want to go see a dr who actually gives a shit about me. We hated our infertility clinic so much and I want to go back to the clinic, the dr’s and nurses that made me feel safe and cared about me.

On 10/4 I have an appt to meet with a new infertility clinic who I’ve heard really good things about….I wish I would have known about them months ago. We’re just going to be gathering information we’re not sure if we want to go through another transfer or not. That’s where we’re at for now, no decisions have been made we’re weighing all of our options first. Call me crazy I just don’t feel like my journey is over yet.

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7/12/17 Transfer Day!

7/12: Today I took my baby home with me, not really a baby yet but that’s the hope that I have in my heart. Today is Transfer Day, a day that’s been 8 months in the works. There’s a part of me that wishes I would have done a better job documenting my journey these last 6 years. I was thinking today, I wonder how many ultrasounds I’ve had, how many times I’ve gone in for blood draws or how many shots I’ve gotten. I guess in the grand scheme those things are trivial. What isn’t trivial is the 6 years where I’ve fought every single month for a baby. I’ve had 5 surgeries, 3 miscarriages, 2 tubal pregnancies, 15 IUI’s and now 1 FET. All of this shit and I’m still persevering and I can only hope that today I kicked infertility in the ass.

My transfer was the last one of the day so we didn’t need to be to the clinic until 3:30. I walked into the clinic with zero expectations and knew in my heart that I’ve done absolutely everything I could to get me to this point. I felt at peace. I wasn’t expecting to get a framed photo of my embryo and I also wasn’t expecting to be so emotional about it. Such a kind gesture that truly meant the world to us. The procedure happened very quickly and I tried to be in the moment as much as I possibly could. Overall it was a good day and I feel very blessed to be PUPO.

7/16: It’s been 4 days since my FET and I’m not going to lie, the last 2 days have been tough. The day after my transfer John had to go out of town and he won’t be back until Tues. I miss him so much especially right now because he’s my rock and the one that talks me off the ledge when I have so many doubts in my mind. I never imagined this tww would be so lonely but holy cow….I feel like I have so much riding on this and I’m trying to stay positive but the constant swirl of thoughts running through my mind are endless. If he was here we would at least be busy but I’m home alone and there’s too much quiet in the house. I’m nervous because I don’t feel anything yet, shouldn’t I feel something by now.

My beta is scheduled for this Friday 7/21, 5 more get-ups.