TTC

Beta Day Blues

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Sometimes all of the money in the world doesn’t guarantee you a baby. $14k that’s what we spent on this round, we even spent the extra $2400 to ensure it was a genetically good embryo and it was. I took a HPT this morning because I’ve hated my clinic since Day 1 and I didn’t want them to be the ones to tell me one way or the other, I wanted to be mentally prepared. I took the test feeling 90% sure I was going to see a positive and when I didn’t I was in shock. Like seriously WTF are you kidding me! I showed up to the clinic for the blood draw pissed off. The waiting room is small and it was packed like most times I’m there. I had to sit next to a woman who held her 2-year-old boy on her lap. The little boy kept smiling at me, normally I would have engaged in some sort of response back but I just stared ahead cursing in my head the terrible music that was blasting overhead. It’s heartbreaking to see other women waiting to be called back, I always wonder where they are in their journey. I wish I would have the courage to just look up and give them a smile and tell them I get it but I never do. I feel embarrassed even sitting there myself, maybe they do too. No wonder infertility is such a taboo in our society even the ones that should be talking about it like myself are too embarassed to do so.

I honestly don’t know where this news will take me. I’ve said from the beginning if we didn’t end up having children I would need to make some sort of change in my life because literally trying for a family has been my life for the past 6 years. I’m not sure who I am without tracking cycles, taking meds, timing our intercourse and all of the dr appointments that go along with that. I feel like I’ve lost my identity because of infertility, I feel sad and I feel very lost.

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7/12/17 Transfer Day!

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7/12: Today I took my baby home with me, not really a baby yet but that’s the hope that I have in my heart. Today is Transfer Day, a day that’s been 8 months in the works. There’s a part of me that wishes I would have done a better job documenting my journey these last 6 years. I was thinking today, I wonder how many ultrasounds I’ve had, how many times I’ve gone in for blood draws or how many shots I’ve gotten. I guess in the grand scheme those things are trivial. What isn’t trivial is the 6 years where I’ve fought every single month for a baby. I’ve had 5 surgeries, 3 miscarriages, 2 tubal pregnancies, 15 IUI’s and now 1 FET. All of this shit and I’m still persevering and I can only hope that today I kicked infertility in the ass.

My transfer was the last one of the day so we didn’t need to be to the clinic until 3:30. I walked into the clinic with zero expectations and knew in my heart that I’ve done absolutely everything I could to get me to this point. I felt at peace. I wasn’t expecting to get a framed photo of my embryo and I also wasn’t expecting to be so emotional about it. Such a kind gesture that truly meant the world to us. The procedure happened very quickly and I tried to be in the moment as much as I possibly could. Overall it was a good day and I feel very blessed to be PUPO.

7/16: It’s been 4 days since my FET and I’m not going to lie, the last 2 days have been tough. The day after my transfer John had to go out of town and he won’t be back until Tues. I miss him so much especially right now because he’s my rock and the one that talks me off the ledge when I have so many doubts in my mind. I never imagined this tww would be so lonely but holy cow….I feel like I have so much riding on this and I’m trying to stay positive but the constant swirl of thoughts running through my mind are endless. If he was here we would at least be busy but I’m home alone and there’s too much quiet in the house. I’m nervous because I don’t feel anything yet, shouldn’t I feel something by now.

My beta is scheduled for this Friday 7/21, 5 more get-ups.

 

 

 

 

 

I should have remembered to sync my calendar with Infertility’s

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My transfer was supposed to be yesterday but yet again infertility is on its own schedule. I went in for my ultrasound and my lining wasn’t as thick as they were hoping so I got sent home with several boxes of estrogen patches and told to come back in a week. I went in yesterday and my lining was at a 7.5 so I’m back on the schedule for Wed 7/12. I swear this has been the longest drawn out process EVER. I remember I made the initial call to the RE in Nov. and now here we are almost 8 months later….a baby could have been born in that timeframe! I hate to admit it but I  have cold feet, to think that everything we’ve done has led us up to this point, the end…the finish line one way or the other (one embryo. one shot). This is where I get mad at being an infertile because I’ve had months to overthink and analyze. If I was just normal and was able to get pregnant like I was supposed to so many of these feelings or thoughts would have probably never crossed my mind. It’s hard to be excited when I feel like all of the excitement has been drained from me and don’t even get me started on the fear factor if I do end up pregnant. John told me today how proud he is of me, we’ve done everything we possibly could to make this work. He’s right we have and once next Wed comes it will be my last ever TWW.

 

Remembering who I was then and now

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These last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve gotten where I’ve gotten. I have a tendency to get all nostalgic during the big events in my life and considering my transfer is 13 days away my mind has been on overload. We’ve been on this journey for 6 years and in 22 days we’ll know if the fight was worth it or if we’re done with it all. I’m scared…scared that we’ll get our positive, scared that we won’t, scared to walk away from all of this with our heads held high knowing we did everything in our power to bring home our 1plus1shouldequal3. I was so naive in the beginning, I’m not anymore. Inferitlity has taught me more about myself, my body, my relationship, the people around me and my finances than I ever would have cared to know. It’s scarred me up on the inside and the out and a part of me hates it and another part of me is grateful. It’s weird how you can hate something but yet be grateful at the same time.  I’m grateful because it’s given me a voice and has taught me how to be the biggest advocate for myself. It’s challenged my relationship but hasn’t damaged it. With every obstacle, let down and heartache John has been there for me and I’ve fallen in love with him more and more every day because of it. I’m going to leave you with my favorite lyric that I blast everytime I feel any doubt or sadness. Thanks for being my inspiration Eminem!

If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture
Or just let it slip?

It’s all about the numbers.

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It’s been a week since I got the results from my embryo genetic screening. One embryo froze on day 5, one embryo on day 6 and one embryo on day 7. I waited 10 days to get the PGS results, 10 big X’s marked my calendar in red pen. Silly me to think that all three of my snowflakes would be genetically perfect. The Dr started the conversation with you have one genetically good embryo and then proceeded to tell me the fate of my other two. I didn’t think I would be so emotional about the ones that essentially wouldn’t make it, I cried and then when I was done crying I felt sad like really sad. Everybody was like, “but you have one, that’s all you need.” I couldn’t even be excited about one because I wanted two that way I was guaranteed another chance in case the first one didn’t take. So here I am a week later knowing I’ve got one chance to make this happen and I’m going to do whatever it takes phyically and mentally to be in the best spot possible. Right before I started my injections I decided to give up soda and to add an extra day or two into my weekly gym schedule, this is probably the only area of my infertile life I feel like I can control. I have a nurse consult on May 25th and my tentative transfer date is set for July 5th, which was the soonest they could even get me in. They were quick to send me a bill for the transfer, I’ll have to pay them another $2500 when I go in for my appt on the 25th. This will bring our total out of pocket up to $16,000, ugh that just makes me cringe.

John surprised me and booked us a week long FL beach vacation and we leave next weekend! Cue my money meltdown, how can we afford a vacation when we’re spending so much on IVF. He talked me off the ledge and convinced me that we needed this and he didn’t care how much it cost. He’s got a point, it’s been a crazy two months with him having his knee surgery which he finally got off his crutches last week and all of the IVF stuff we’ve been doing and we still have another two months until transfer. So all money worries are going to be set aside and I’m going to focus on what’s important and that’s keeping my head in the IVF game and re-connecting with my better half.

Retrieval Day!

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Actually yesterday was the big day but I didn’t realize how painful this whole thing was going to be and I spent the majority of the day recovering. Seriously was the retrieval painful for you? I don’t know how people do retrievals more than  once, you all deserve a huge pat on the back if you’ve attempted this multiple times. They told me that I would be fine taking extra strength tylenol, that did nothing for me, thank god I had a few extra pain pills from a past surgery. Today is less bad but I’m still really bloated and if I push on my stomach or move the wrong way it’s very uncomfortable. Thank goodness this landed on the weekend because there’s no way I could have gone to work. They retrieved 9 eggs, I was hoping for a few more especially since when I went in on Thursday morning I had more than 9. It is what it is though. The lab will be calling me tomorrow to let me know how things are progressing.

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This is a card I gave to John the day before the retrieval. I bought this card 2 years ago, it’s been with us on 3 different vacations in the hopes I would get my BFP and I could give it to him but it never happened. I thought giving it to him now would be the perfect time. It just makes me smile.

I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow but what I do know is we gave it the best shot we could. Here’s to hoping and wishing for the best news possible!

Shots followed by a chaser.

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I thought I would keep with the drinking theme since I’m so amused by my terrible humor. Today marked Day 12 of Stims…seriously 12 days how did that go so fast but yet so slow. I took my last 2 stim shots this morning and tonight at exactly 9:30pm we trigger. Holy Hell! So here are my stats from my ultrasound this morning. On the right side I have 5 follicles sizes: 17, 17, 16, 16 and a 13. On my left side I have 7 follicles sizes: 21, 20, 19, 15, 14, 12 and 11. When the nurse called me this afternoon she told me for my age (ugh) those numbers are amazing and that I should be proud. I’m definitely patting myself on the back for these past 12 days. I’ve learned some things along the way that I want to share with you.

John has mixed up and given me every single shot and he’s been amazing. If the roles were reversed and I had to shoot him up everyday I’m not sure I would be as patient as he’s been. I think I’ve fallen in love with him all over again. Man I’m one lucky girl.

John told me something that I didn’t know….if you cough while you’re getting a shot it hurts less bad. Seriously how did I not know this. I go overboard with the coughing but I’m ok with that, anything that lessens my pain I’m all about.

I got my meds from Freedom Fertility and I’ve never talked to a nicer bunch of people. Every time I called I would get a different representative but what stayed consistent was the compassion that they  had for me. Earlier this week I had to refill one of my meds and I needed it to arrive to me the next day but right away in the morning. I was quoted an expedited shipping amount that was almost as much as the drug I was ordering. The girl on the phone told me I was already going through so much that I didn’t need to worry about paying the extra fee and she would wave it this one time. I actually cried when she told me, it’s nice knowing that people still care and the simple act of waving the expedited shipping made my whole day.

When I went in for my last ultrasound this morning I had the nurse put a circle on my butt so John knows where he needs to stick me. This is the only shot I’ve been nervous about, the needle is long and thick and she told us you need to jab it in like it’s a dart. I will not be coughing when he gives me this shot because I’d hate for him to miss the bulls-eye. 50 minutes and counting.

The retrieval is scheduled for 9:30am this Saturday. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited, nervous and scared all wrapped up in one. Over the last 12 days I’ve kept my glass half full attitude, I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again, we’ve come too far to not have this work.

 

My sweet 16

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I had an ultrasound this morning, this is the first one I’ve had since taking the injectibles. My right side had 6 and my left had 10, the nurse called it Sweet 16. I know they’re not all going to mature but that number gives me hope today. Hope that the drugs continue doing their job and that we’re one day closer to retrieval. I go back on Friday to see how I’m progressing. The science behind this whole process absolutely amazes me and the things I’ve learned along the way is more than I ever anticipated. I’m excited to see what Friday has in store for us.

 

I remember a time when taking shots was fun!

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Yesterday I started my shots…cue holy hell breakdown, is this really happening?!? I cried and not because I’m scared of the needles or the meds that are about to invade my body for the next 10 days. I cried because we’ve worked so hard to make it to this point when we never thought we’d have a chance in hell to do IVF.

John mixed the Menopur which was a little overwhelming since it was our first time but he was a champ. After he gave me the shot he kissed my belly and surprised me with a present, he told me that he has a present for me for everyday he has to give me a shot. I love this guy so much! I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now. I hate to admit it but I’m a glass half empty girl, I’ve been this way my whole life. I had an ephiany as I was coming into work this morning, we’ve worked too hard to have this fail and that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself maybe even shouting it every time I have a negative thought that enters my head. We deserve to be parents and I’m not going to let the waiting game and the statistics define what we’ve set out to accomplish for the last 6 years.

Last week I gave the clinic a payment of $10,190 and you know what I felt good about doing it. We ended up not taking out a loan because the interest rate was so high (yeah over 8%..I think not) so instead we took it out of our savings. Someone said…that’s why you have savings and there’s no better thing to use it for than this. It literally took someone else saying those words to me that made me realize savings was the way for us to go. Thankfully my insurance does have a fertility medication allowance so I only had to pay the co-pays for my meds which came to $240. That seemed like a big win for us!

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wed morning, I’m not really anticipating anything huge to happen during that appt since it will only be the start of stim day 4. I’m expecting that as the week goes on I’m going to start getting moody because of the hormones so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself. I thought it would help by watching my carb and sugar intake this week (thank you pcos) and I’ve been going to the gym and walking on the treadmill and I’m trying to drink more water. I’m sure this is all a mind over matter thing but at least it’s something to distract me.

I wrote in my goal journal at the beginning of the year that I was going to enjoy the journey so here we are in the thick of things but yet still 3 months away from transfer. I’m going to try my hardest to take one day and one appointment at a time.

Break a leg.

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Literally…I’m sitting in the hospital waiting room while John is in surgery having his leg broken to fix his dislocated knee. It’s so weird because I’ve been through 5 surgeries and he’s been the strong one and the one who always kept it together for me and now I’m the one that has to step up to the plate and be the strong one. The timing on this is terrible, he’s going to be on crutches for 6 weeks and will have to wear a leg brace for 8 months…seriously 8 freaking months!! Did I mention in 25 days I start my meds for IVF. If we survive this we’re going to take a celebratory trip because we’ll definitely deserve it.

Yesterday we met with our IVF dr to go over all of our test results. The only thing that came back a tad abnormal was the morphology of his sperm, they weren’t the best but with IVF that won’t matter. I feel hopeful. On one hand I feel like time is dragging but on the other I feel like I want it to drag so John can start his healing process and I can start mentally preparing for all of the hormones that I’m going to be shooting into my body.

So things are moving along in all aspects of life right now. We’re refinancing our home with a cash out to pay for our IVF and it’s almost to the closing phase. Crazy that we’re taking out $15k and the payment is only going up $150 and that’s with shortening the loan by 5 years. I think that’s a win for us! My main focus is taking care of my honey and hoping that his recovery is a lot quicker than they expect because I’m going to need him once I start the IVF. I just love him so much and I want him to be better.