Two things have been weighing on me this week. The first is how much I hate I mean literally hate PCOS. I was on the treadmill at the gym and I caught a side view glimpse of myself in the window and I wanted to cry. Kid you not my belly looks like it’s 4 months pregnant. So I made a vow to myself to never wear a spandex top of any kind to the gym and to start tracking my food again using the Weight Watchers app. I don’t know what else to do, as I’m getting older it seems to be getting worse. It’s a cruel joke that having this makes me look pregnant when that’s the one thing in the world I would kill to be and just can’t be. And if one more person asks me when I’m due I’m going to bitch slap whoever it may be.

Side story…I was out getting lunch last week and there was a woman in front of me checking out and the clerk was telling her how she made a huge mistake, she asked one of customers if she was eating for 2. I was eavesdropping on the conversation but it really made my blood boil and broke my heart at the same time because I’ve been on that receiving end of that question and I know how much it hurts when someone asks you that. I wanted to tell that clerk that she probably made the girl cry, I wish I had a mean enough bone in my body to say that but I just couldn’t. People need to stop being idiots…end of rant!

The other thing that’s been consuming my thoughts is how much time I’ve been wishing away. I can’t wait for my cycle to get here, I can’t wait to see how many follicles I have, I can’t wait to see when they’ll schedule my IUI, I can’t wait for the next 2 weeks to be over so I can test. I wish I had a Do-over card because here I am 5 years later wishing that I hadn’t wished so much time away.

I have a 45 minute commute into work each day and during that time I think…like a lot. For awhile now I’ve been struggling with what my life will be like without kids and I had this epiphany a few weeks ago, if we don’t have a child my life is going to be exactly like it is now. I’d been searching for what I thought was going to be this huge answer when in reality I’ve been living the answer for some time now. The realization actually made me cry. I wonder if people who want children that don’t end up having them find peace with it?

So that’s where I’m at with things for this week. In baby making news, I missed out on meds this month because I was on vacation and I started my cycle (always my luck). I have a general idea on when I’m ovulating so we did it the old fashion way. Do any of you get symptoms when you ovulate. TMI…I spot after sex during that time. Am I the only one? I asked the dr and he said that could be possible but it never use to happen to me before. So now I’m in my 2ww and if nothing happens this month we’ll go back on meds for the last 2 months of the year. If still nothing it’s going to be time to really do some soul searching because I told myself I was only going to do this through the end of the year. I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do is wish the  next 2 months away because I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready to close this chapter yet.

When I first started this blog I thought I was going to be the best blogger ever…I was going to have all of this insightful information to share with the world and it would be an outlet for me to get all of my feelings out. In reality this blog hasn’t been any of those things for me. Each post I write makes me realize that my time trying to become a mom has almost reached its end. I’m tired…tired of  the dr appts, the meds, the timed intercourse, the mood swings. I’m tired of getting my hopes up and then having to live through the tww only to see another negative test. I’m tired of pasting on a fake smile every time I go into the clinic thinking that this time is going to be different, this is going to be the one for us.

I went in last Thurs for my IUI, I had 3 follicles. We sat in the waiting room for 35 minutes until they finally called us into a room. Seriously just throw us in an empty room so we can get down to business and leave the sample…It was annoying that they didn’t do that. We had about an hour and 15 mins to kill while the sample incubated and got washed so we went and grabbed something to eat. When we got back to the clinic we got called back right away. It took the dr all of 7 mins to do the procedure and then we were left to ourselves. 20 mins went by and the nurse stuck her head in and told us we could leave. The whole thing felt cheap….and not in the money sense! I get it people are busy but how about a 30 second conversation just to make sure that I’m feeling ok or telling us when we should start our timed intercourse or when should I start my progesterone. I didn’t leave the office in the frame of mind that I was hoping. So now here I am 4 days into my tww, the progesterone makes me feel like shit….I’m tired of feeling like shit because of the drugs. It seems like it’s a vicious cycle. I know I’ll only start to feel normal again when I stop all the meds and admit defeat. That will just bring a whole new set of issues to deal with. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here…

That’s the question going through my head as I’m making the mad dash to Target over my lunch hour. Target is a quick 10 minute walk through our skyway system and as I was walking there I passed a little boy who looked to be about 3, he was pressed up against the window pane fascinated with the big bulldozer that was tearing the street up below. Just watching his innocence made me smile, I looked at his mom and told her how cute he was. As I walked away I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Gosh what if I never get to experience those little moments with a child of my own. It’s just not fair. Everything is pissing me off lately and I hate who I’ve become. At least I can acknowledge it so that has to be worth something right?!? CD 1 made it’s appearance today and guess what…it pissed me off. lol. Another failed IUI, even with an increased dosage of meds and 4 really good follicles…I don’t get it. Work and the people I work with are all bugging me which prompted the trip to Target, I needed to get away and needed some sort of instant gratification that was going to make me feel better. It’s silly but I’ve lived by this mantra since my early years in college, no matter how ugly I look/feel if I just put some lipstick on things won’t be so bad. Little did I know I would attend a motivational talk by an amazing woman named Jodi Hills who writes inspirational books and one of her books is called “Slap a Little Lipstick on you’ll be Fine.” I have the artwork for the cover of the book framed and it’s in my bathroom to remind me that no matter what the situation if I just put on a little lipstick, I can get through it. So my bad day brought me straight to the make-up aisle. I went up and down the aisles picking out tubes and putting them back until one of the make-up experts came up to me and asked if I needed help. Oh did I ever need help. I told her I needed a pick me up and to help me find a color that was fabulous without being too boring. I was skeptical but I still headed straight into the bathroom and Slapped my Lipstick on and you know what…it did make me feel better. I cling to the little things in life that bring me some kind of happiness and for me it’s a simple $7.00 tube of lipstick. It’s the color that I pick out to wear before each and every IUI..I’m still hoping one of those colors turns out to be “my lucky color.” The color I pick out when John asks me out on a date and today it’s the color the expert picked out for me which made my day a little less bad than it was before. I’m gonna keep slapping on my lipstick because one day I really will be fine.

That question has been weighing on me for about a  year now. As the days turn into months and the months into years it’s starting to become more of a reality and I don’t know how to answer it. I have a lot of quiet time in my head and I feel like this is a constant conversation I have with myself. I’m not one of those people who loves what I do for a job so I know that will never fulfill me. Sure we travel but there’s only so much time off we get from work. So if I have to live a childless life, what will that life look like? John says it will be just like it is now but that’s where he’s wrong. The last 5 years I’ve consumed my life tracking, going to dr appoints, taking meds, having timed intercourse, peeing on sticks, getting my hopes up and picking myself up just to do it all over again. You take that away from me and I don’t know who I will be any more. I’m secretly mad all of the time….I put on a fake smile so no one sees the heartache that I live with every day. I just wish I had more time.

The dr increased my Letrozole this month to 10mg and I responded well which I knew I would because I’ve always done well on the 5mg. I had 4 follicles all within perfect size. My IUI was a week ago. The first few days I was so hopeful but as test day gets closer I become more angry and pissed off because I’m feeling like it didn’t work again.

I want to leave you with a video that I’ve watched half a dozen times and have cried each time. It’s only 2 mins so watch it, I promise it will be worth it.

Today would have been my due date had I not miscarried. I’ve never remembered any of my other due dates but this time I thought things were going to be different, I honestly believed we would be bringing our baby home this time. Now here I sit on May 25, 2016 with empty arms and an empty belly. Infertility has changed me, it’s made me stronger yet weaker. It’s made me question who I am and who I will be at the end of this journey. It’s brought me closer to John because he’s the only one who can pick me up after the hardest of days. Nothing about this has been easy or fair. Besides struggling with infertility there’s something else that I’ve been struggling with and that’s praying about my infertility. For some reason I’ve never been able to pray about any of what we’ve been through….like physically I can’t get myself to do it and I don’t know why. I’m not a huge religious person but I’ll go to church when I feel like I need it and I have no issues praying about other things. This has been a topic of conversation with my therapist only to get no resolution so we just end up putting it on the shelf for another time.  It’s been weighing on me a lot lately and I finally had my break through when we were on vacation a few weeks ago. My tww was up when we were in FL so I took a test the second day into our trip and it was negative, another failed IUI. I tried not being sad or pissed off because I didn’t want this to ruin my trip but it was easier said than done. One morning I took a walk on the beach and about half way down the stretch I sat down in the sand, closed my eyes and had a conversation with God. These last few months have been really hard not only physically but it’s really been hard on my relationship. I mostly questioned all that I’ve been doing and if it’s the right thing. It’s so cliche but I wanted reassurance that all of this is worth it because I feel like throwing in the towel. Give me a sign…anything that I can grasp as any kind of hope. It felt good to get everything out and as I was walking back to the resort I saw a starfish that had washed up on the shore. Starfishes are so rare on this beach, in all my times there I’ve only ever seen one. I picked it up and brought it back with me. John was mortified that I would would take it out of its habitat and bring it home with him. I told him that this was the sign I had asked for, whether it really was a sign or not I don’t care it’s what I needed at that very moment. So that little starfish came back to MN with me and I now have it displayed on my coffee table along with 2 other larger starfishes that I bought, one for me and one for John. Although today represents something that should have been I’m not letting it get me down because I have hope that someday my little starfish will come home to me and when he/she does I’m going to share this story with them.