Two things have been weighing on me this week. The first is how much I hate I mean literally hate PCOS. I was on the treadmill at the gym and I caught a side view glimpse of myself in the window and I wanted to cry. Kid you not my belly looks like it’s 4 months pregnant. So I made a vow to myself to never wear a spandex top of any kind to the gym and to start tracking my food again using the Weight Watchers app. I don’t know what else to do, as I’m getting older it seems to be getting worse. It’s a cruel joke that having this makes me look pregnant when that’s the one thing in the world I would kill to be and just can’t be. And if one more person asks me when I’m due I’m going to bitch slap whoever it may be.
Side story…I was out getting lunch last week and there was a woman in front of me checking out and the clerk was telling her how she made a huge mistake, she asked one of customers if she was eating for 2. I was eavesdropping on the conversation but it really made my blood boil and broke my heart at the same time because I’ve been on that receiving end of that question and I know how much it hurts when someone asks you that. I wanted to tell that clerk that she probably made the girl cry, I wish I had a mean enough bone in my body to say that but I just couldn’t. People need to stop being idiots…end of rant!
The other thing that’s been consuming my thoughts is how much time I’ve been wishing away. I can’t wait for my cycle to get here, I can’t wait to see how many follicles I have, I can’t wait to see when they’ll schedule my IUI, I can’t wait for the next 2 weeks to be over so I can test. I wish I had a Do-over card because here I am 5 years later wishing that I hadn’t wished so much time away.
I have a 45 minute commute into work each day and during that time I think…like a lot. For awhile now I’ve been struggling with what my life will be like without kids and I had this epiphany a few weeks ago, if we don’t have a child my life is going to be exactly like it is now. I’d been searching for what I thought was going to be this huge answer when in reality I’ve been living the answer for some time now. The realization actually made me cry. I wonder if people who want children that don’t end up having them find peace with it?
So that’s where I’m at with things for this week. In baby making news, I missed out on meds this month because I was on vacation and I started my cycle (always my luck). I have a general idea on when I’m ovulating so we did it the old fashion way. Do any of you get symptoms when you ovulate. TMI…I spot after sex during that time. Am I the only one? I asked the dr and he said that could be possible but it never use to happen to me before. So now I’m in my 2ww and if nothing happens this month we’ll go back on meds for the last 2 months of the year. If still nothing it’s going to be time to really do some soul searching because I told myself I was only going to do this through the end of the year. I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do is wish the next 2 months away because I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready to close this chapter yet.
When I first started this blog I thought I was going to be the best blogger ever…I was going to have all of this insightful information to share with the world and it would be an outlet for me to get all of my feelings out. In reality this blog hasn’t been any of those things for me. Each post I write makes me realize that my time trying to become a mom has almost reached its end. I’m tired…tired of the dr appts, the meds, the timed intercourse, the mood swings. I’m tired of getting my hopes up and then having to live through the tww only to see another negative test. I’m tired of pasting on a fake smile every time I go into the clinic thinking that this time is going to be different, this is going to be the one for us.
I went in last Thurs for my IUI, I had 3 follicles. We sat in the waiting room for 35 minutes until they finally called us into a room. Seriously just throw us in an empty room so we can get down to business and leave the sample…It was annoying that they didn’t do that. We had about an hour and 15 mins to kill while the sample incubated and got washed so we went and grabbed something to eat. When we got back to the clinic we got called back right away. It took the dr all of 7 mins to do the procedure and then we were left to ourselves. 20 mins went by and the nurse stuck her head in and told us we could leave. The whole thing felt cheap….and not in the money sense! I get it people are busy but how about a 30 second conversation just to make sure that I’m feeling ok or telling us when we should start our timed intercourse or when should I start my progesterone. I didn’t leave the office in the frame of mind that I was hoping. So now here I am 4 days into my tww, the progesterone makes me feel like shit….I’m tired of feeling like shit because of the drugs. It seems like it’s a vicious cycle. I know I’ll only start to feel normal again when I stop all the meds and admit defeat. That will just bring a whole new set of issues to deal with. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here…
That’s the question going through my head as I’m making the mad dash to Target over my lunch hour. Target is a quick 10 minute walk through our skyway system and as I was walking there I passed a little boy who looked to be about 3, he was pressed up against the window pane fascinated with the big bulldozer that was tearing the street up below. Just watching his innocence made me smile, I looked at his mom and told her how cute he was. As I walked away I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Gosh what if I never get to experience those little moments with a child of my own. It’s just not fair. Everything is pissing me off lately and I hate who I’ve become. At least I can acknowledge it so that has to be worth something right?!? CD 1 made it’s appearance today and guess what…it pissed me off. lol. Another failed IUI, even with an increased dosage of meds and 4 really good follicles…I don’t get it. Work and the people I work with are all bugging me which prompted the trip to Target, I needed to get away and needed some sort of instant gratification that was going to make me feel better. It’s silly but I’ve lived by this mantra since my early years in college, no matter how ugly I look/feel if I just put some lipstick on things won’t be so bad. Little did I know I would attend a motivational talk by an amazing woman named Jodi Hills who writes inspirational books and one of her books is called “Slap a Little Lipstick on you’ll be Fine.” I have the artwork for the cover of the book framed and it’s in my bathroom to remind me that no matter what the situation if I just put on a little lipstick, I can get through it. So my bad day brought me straight to the make-up aisle. I went up and down the aisles picking out tubes and putting them back until one of the make-up experts came up to me and asked if I needed help. Oh did I ever need help. I told her I needed a pick me up and to help me find a color that was fabulous without being too boring. I was skeptical but I still headed straight into the bathroom and Slapped my Lipstick on and you know what…it did make me feel better. I cling to the little things in life that bring me some kind of happiness and for me it’s a simple $7.00 tube of lipstick. It’s the color that I pick out to wear before each and every IUI..I’m still hoping one of those colors turns out to be “my lucky color.” The color I pick out when John asks me out on a date and today it’s the color the expert picked out for me which made my day a little less bad than it was before. I’m gonna keep slapping on my lipstick because one day I really will be fine.
That question has been weighing on me for about a year now. As the days turn into months and the months into years it’s starting to become more of a reality and I don’t know how to answer it. I have a lot of quiet time in my head and I feel like this is a constant conversation I have with myself. I’m not one of those people who loves what I do for a job so I know that will never fulfill me. Sure we travel but there’s only so much time off we get from work. So if I have to live a childless life, what will that life look like? John says it will be just like it is now but that’s where he’s wrong. The last 5 years I’ve consumed my life tracking, going to dr appoints, taking meds, having timed intercourse, peeing on sticks, getting my hopes up and picking myself up just to do it all over again. You take that away from me and I don’t know who I will be any more. I’m secretly mad all of the time….I put on a fake smile so no one sees the heartache that I live with every day. I just wish I had more time.
The dr increased my Letrozole this month to 10mg and I responded well which I knew I would because I’ve always done well on the 5mg. I had 4 follicles all within perfect size. My IUI was a week ago. The first few days I was so hopeful but as test day gets closer I become more angry and pissed off because I’m feeling like it didn’t work again.
I want to leave you with a video that I’ve watched half a dozen times and have cried each time. It’s only 2 mins so watch it, I promise it will be worth it.
Today would have been my due date had I not miscarried. I’ve never remembered any of my other due dates but this time I thought things were going to be different, I honestly believed we would be bringing our baby home this time. Now here I sit on May 25, 2016 with empty arms and an empty belly. Infertility has changed me, it’s made me stronger yet weaker. It’s made me question who I am and who I will be at the end of this journey. It’s brought me closer to John because he’s the only one who can pick me up after the hardest of days. Nothing about this has been easy or fair. Besides struggling with infertility there’s something else that I’ve been struggling with and that’s praying about my infertility. For some reason I’ve never been able to pray about any of what we’ve been through….like physically I can’t get myself to do it and I don’t know why. I’m not a huge religious person but I’ll go to church when I feel like I need it and I have no issues praying about other things. This has been a topic of conversation with my therapist only to get no resolution so we just end up putting it on the shelf for another time. It’s been weighing on me a lot lately and I finally had my break through when we were on vacation a few weeks ago. My tww was up when we were in FL so I took a test the second day into our trip and it was negative, another failed IUI. I tried not being sad or pissed off because I didn’t want this to ruin my trip but it was easier said than done. One morning I took a walk on the beach and about half way down the stretch I sat down in the sand, closed my eyes and had a conversation with God. These last few months have been really hard not only physically but it’s really been hard on my relationship. I mostly questioned all that I’ve been doing and if it’s the right thing. It’s so cliche but I wanted reassurance that all of this is worth it because I feel like throwing in the towel. Give me a sign…anything that I can grasp as any kind of hope. It felt good to get everything out and as I was walking back to the resort I saw a starfish that had washed up on the shore. Starfishes are so rare on this beach, in all my times there I’ve only ever seen one. I picked it up and brought it back with me. John was mortified that I would would take it out of its habitat and bring it home with him. I told him that this was the sign I had asked for, whether it really was a sign or not I don’t care it’s what I needed at that very moment. So that little starfish came back to MN with me and I now have it displayed on my coffee table along with 2 other larger starfishes that I bought, one for me and one for John. Although today represents something that should have been I’m not letting it get me down because I have hope that someday my little starfish will come home to me and when he/she does I’m going to share this story with them.
3 more gets up before I can test. Tomorrow we’re leaving for Florida for a week, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or bad that I’ll have to test while on vacation. We were in Florida last Sept when I found out I was pregnant…that was 7 months ago. Florida has brought so many memories, some good and some not so good into my life. We got engaged there, had our engagement pics taken, experienced a miscarriage, found out we were pregnant while we were there and now whatever happens on Monday will be added to my list of memories.
I’m pretty in tune with my body, how can I not be after all I’ve been through. So I usually know when a month has been successful or not and I can honestly say I have no idea what to expect on Monday. The only symptom I’ve been having is I’m really bloated but that could just be a side effect from the meds I’m taking. It’s such a cruel joke that the meds they give you for infertility give you pregnant like symptoms. So I have mixed emotions…excited for a week away and re-connecting with John but nervous because I know the emotions all too well when you do everything right and you still get a BFN. Here’s to wishing!
This post has nothing to do with infertility but my heart feels like it’s something that I want to share. Today I want to talk about the purple blanket that covers my state of Minnesota. In a suburb of Minneapolis called Chanhassen with a population of 23,000 lived the musical icon, Prince. You couldn’t get any more burb than Chanhassen and for whatever reason it’s where our one and only Prince established his roots and called this city his home. Prince was a private person and everyone in the community respected him for that. He banked at the local bank in town, did his grocery shopping at Cub Foods, went to movies, bought records from the old skool record store and ate pancakes at local restaurants. If you wouldn’t have known who he was you would have thought he was just like any other person living in the burbs. So yes he was a musical icon but to all of the people here he was also our neighbor, someone who loved the state, his community and us fellow Minnesotans. We were his biggest fans because to us he was one of us. So when the news broke on Thurs morning of Prince’s passing our state went into mourning just like so many other places in the world. Shock and disbelief, we were all glued to the TV, internet and social media anything that would give us any information on what had happened to our hometown icon. The sorrow and heartbreak has put a purple blanket over our state of Minnesota.
Anyone who has seen the movie Purple Rain is familiar with the club First Avenue. I went there on Friday to see the memorial that is adorned right along the wall where Prince’s star among dozens of other amazing musicians is displayed. Hundreds of people lined the sidewalks taking pictures and paying their respect. Reporters listened intently to people who wanted to share their personal Price stories. It quickly spread that Friday everyone was supposed to wear purple in honor of Prince. Businesses took it a step further and changed their logo color for the day. The signage in downtown Minneapolis changed as well. Anything that could be purple was…lights and logos. Target Field was completely purple and the year 1999 was displayed on top of one of the light fixtures, It was absolutely breathtaking. Friday night I drove to Chanhassen, to Paisley Park. This is where Prince lived and where he had his recording studios. The all white building was fenced off and purple lights lit the sky. There were dozens of news trucks from all over lining the fence. Hundreds of cars were parked down the side streets and the people were making their trek to the memorial that had formed along the fence. Purple balloons, posters and flowers, oh so many flowers. I heard tidbits from people who had visited the memorial. Prince’s family had ordered pizza for all of the fans and at one point a van drove up and some of Prince’s family got out and gave the people in the crowd Prince memorabilia and hugged the fans thanking them for coming. Talk about Minnesota nice, makes me proud that I call this state my home.
On Saturday night I went to a bridge in Minneapolis called the 35W bridge. In memory of Prince the whole bridge was lit up in purple. It was the most amazing site and I captured the moment in some really good photos.
It’s been 5 days now and I still can’t stop listening to the tribute station. I feel honored that such an amazing person grew up in Minnesota and chose to spend his whole life here even when he had the opportunity to move onto bigger and better places. I grew up with Prince’s music and his songs will forever be in my heart. Good-bye my fellow Minnesotan thanks for sharing your talent with the world….you will be missed but never forgotten.
I’ve been avoiding blogging because if I actually wrote I would have to come to terms with what the dr told me. Let me set the scene, I’m alone sitting in the US room with the paper sheet draped over me sporting my ever so sexy black work socks. The dr comes in and sits in the chair next to me…never a good sign.
DR: I don’t want to waste anymore of your time. ME: OMG are you breaking up with me?!? DR: No but I think we need to consider IVF. ME: Considering my age (I’m 41) there isn’t a clinic here that will take me on as a patient DR: You’re right there isn’t a clinic here that’s why I think you should go to Mexico.
Cue freak out…Did he really just tell me that he wants me to go to Mexico. Mexico to me is a spring break destination where you do body shots and lay on the beach for a week. I don’t want to leave the clinic I’ve known and loved for the last 5 years to have a procedure that I can’t have done in my own country because I’m now considered “too old.” My heart sank, the one appt John doesn’t go to and all of this gets dumped on me.
When Plan A isn’t an option come up with another one.
Plan B: One more month of Letrozole with IUI which by the way I had done yesterday. I’m now officially into my 2ww. If it doesn’t happen this month then he’s going to start me on injectibles. The dreaded needles and what I imagine will be even moodier mood swings. Like this isn’t a lot to take in especially now since I feel like so much is riding on my IUI this month. Here’s to hoping my heart and my body is ready for whatever Plan B, C or D has in store for us!
When I was at Target the other night I picked up another 2-pack of pregnancy tests. I asked John how much he thought we’d spent on these tests since we started. He’s like I don’t know but so much that I can now go down this aisle and feel comfortable buying anything. What a trooper! I caved and took the test one day early and just as I suspected it was negative. This time I wasn’t mad or sad, I looked at it tossed it in the trash and didn’t go back searching for it wondering if just maybe a line had magically appeared. Yeah that’s never happened to me so I’m not sure why I still have the urge to fish it out of the garbage. I’m starting to wonder why the negative tests don’t affect me anymore. Makes me wonder if I’m preparing myself for the end of my trying to be a mom journey. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately….like what amazing thing can I do with my life if I never reach mom status. I’m definitely not in love with my job and probably never will be so I won’t be one of those career women who gets complete satisfaction from her 8-5 job. If not kids, if not job than what else? What is going to make me feel whole? Insert sigh here…if it was only that easy of a question to answer, I’m working on it though just in case I need a Life Plan B.
So here I am on CD 2, kudos for the flow to at least show up on schedule. I have a message out to my nurse to schedule my baseline and to hopefully have another month of being cyst free so I can get my Letrozole refilled. I guess then it’s back to feeling all of the feelings that I wrote about in my last blog post. It’s actually going to be a good rest of the month, we’re taking a trip in 23 days so my mind is mentally preparing for the beach, dinner at my favorite restaurants and spending some much needed alone time with My Love.
I had my IUI done 10 days ago and I have zero pregnancy symptoms. I know that it’s not over until the stick tells me so but my heart is already prepared for the negative test that will be staring me in the face on Tues.
It’s funny the emotions you go through during the month when trying to conceive the non-traditional way.
CD 2: So excited to get to the clinic and find out I don’t have any cysts. I feel like that is a big win and a great way to start out.
CD 9: Go in for another US and see that I’m responding well to the meds..I usually do. I have 3 follicles that are growing nicely but the Dr isn’t ready for me to trigger yet instead he tells me to come back in on Mon for another US. Cue panic….What?!? I thought this would be my last US for this cycle and I would trigger over the weekend and go in for IUI on Mon. Wrong!
CD 12: Back to the clinic Mon morning for another US. One of the follicles is definitely ready to go, the second one isn’t quite as far along but the Dr is ok with this and has me trigger at the office. IUI is scheduled for Tues morning. More excitement from me because the Dr is going to be doing my IUI, every other time it’s been the nurse practitioner. Maybe he has some sort of different technique or something so I’ve very hopeful going into Tues.
IUI Day: I’m always a little bit nervous not because it has anything to do with the procedure itself, I’m more nervous about John and his sperm. Thank goodness I have a fella who isn’t phased by much and provides the sample like a champ. Hallelujah! Sample looks great and the Dr is ready to do his thing. It’s interesting the Dr tells me that if any time during the procedure I feel any cramping to tell him immediately and he’ll stop. He said he doesn’t want me to cramp because the cramping may prohibit the sperm from moving to where they need to get. Every other time I’ve had this done I’ve always cramped, the nurse actually told me when to expect it. This time I didn’t cramp at all. I took this to be a really good sign. From start to finish everything took about 3.5 hours. I spent the rest of the day lounging watching Netflix. John and I had intercourse 4x’s over the next few days and besides feeling bloated everything else felt normal. I made sure I took my progesterone 2x’s a day, my metformin 2x’s a day and my prenatal vitamin. Usually I’m terrible at remembering to take pills but this time I made a point to remember every day.
TWW: The last 10 days have gone by pretty quickly. I had a day off and we had Easter and there were even a few days where I didn’t even think about the possibility of being pregnant. As the test day is creeping closer I’m wondering what my next steps will be if I’m not pregnant. Will I go back and meet with the Dr again in the hopes of doing another IUI, I’m not sure. Letrozole isn’t my friend it really makes me emotional as in I’m Freaking Crazy so I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. Either way Tues will come and go I’ll deal with it one way or another.