The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

It’s amazing the ups and the downs you experience when you’re going through infertility. Like seriously you can be on top of the world and within a matter of days, minutes, or even seconds it can all come crashing down on you. I was doing so good, I went and had my US on CD 2 and I was cyst free…Big Win for me! I started taking Letrozole and besides being a little moody ok maybe out of control moody I was mentally in a good spot. Then it happened Ladies…it was the end of the day on Fri I was just wrapping up a meeting at work and one of the guy’s in the meeting looks and me and says “Oh my god, are you pregnant” Damn you PCOS for making me gain weight in my middle. This isn’t the first time someone has been stupid enough to ask me this question it’s actually been asked to me a handful of times but let me tell you it doesn’t get any easier to answer, especially when you’re jacked up on hormones. My response is always the same, “Nope just fat.” I waited until I was alone in the elevator to burst into tears. What gives him the right to ask me such a personal question, I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and there went my top of the world moment I had been feeling.

I hate PCOS for lots of reasons but one of them is because it makes me store all of my fat in my tummy and it does make me look pregnant. I’m aware of it and I’m super self-conscious of it. I try to wear clothes that are loose fitting and if I do wear something that is tighter I always wear Spanx with the hope that it will suck me in enough and slim me down. It sucks! I workout every other day and I watch what I eat but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.

This morning I had another US (CD 12) to see how my follicles were coming along and they’ve grown to a nice healthy size so the nurse gave me the shot to trigger ovulation and I’m on the schedule for IUI tomorrow morning. It’s interesting because all of the other times I’ve done IUI it’s always been the nurse practitioner who’s done the procedure but this time it’s actually going to be my doctor who does it. Maybe changing it up will help!

So here’s to letting go of the bad and ugly from this week and embracing the good that’s about to happen!

3 Months and I’m Ready..Again.

For some crazy reason I was 5 days late this month, I ended up taking 2 pregnancy tests within those days and both came out negative…that was a waste of money which I knew it would be.  Today the clouds cleared and the angels sang from above because AF officially arrived today. Thank God because the hormones have been surging through my body and I’ve been trampling anyone and everyone who’s crossed me which is totally not my personality. Now hopefully I’ll get a little reprieve before I start back up on the meds. It’s been 3 months since I’ve been to the clinic so I left a message for my nurse telling her we’re ready to get back on track. She called me back and told me how nice it was to hear my voice….seriously melt my heart, I’ll probably say it a dozen more times but the people that work at my clinic are absolutely amazing! I’m scheduled for an US tomorrow afternoon and then I’ll meet with the dr and we’ll come up with a game plan. The clock is ticking my friends so here’s to hoping I have no cysts and things go as planned or if they don’t go as planned I at least have the strength to handle what is in store.

Why does it go so fast?

I religiously read blogs and follow everyone else’s journey but yet it’s been 2 months since I’ve written anything on my own blog. Shame on me. I guess I’ve taken a break from life if that makes any sense. I haven’t been to a dr or been on meds for a few months. I’ve buried everything deep down inside and didn’t think about it until last week. It was 2:30am and I woke up almost in a panic because the realization hit me that another 3 months have passed  and I’m still not pregnant. From there my mind just spiraled from one thing to another and sleep was no longer a priority, now having a baby was tops on my list again. I’m 2 days away from my next cycle starting and I’ll be calling the clinic to schedule my baseline (fingers crossed there are no cysts) come up with a game plan and hopefully get back on the meds. I read something last week probably from one of the blogs I follow that struck a chord with me…. so much that I wrote it in my notebook, “The days are long but the years are short.” Gosh how true are those words especially when  you’re dealing with infertility. We’ve been struggling for 5 years and my 1st miscarriage is just as fresh in my mind as my 5th one. It’s hard to believe it happened 5 years ago, it still feels like yesterday. The days are long…they’re long when you’re in your 2ww, they’re long when you’re waiting for your cycle to start or long when you have to sit out a month because you have a cyst. Those days drag on for what seems like a lifetime.

I started this blog over a year ago now, a year that has gone so fast and I’m still no further ahead than when I started.

Searching for reassurance in alternative ways

A few weeks have passed but nothing has changed. I went through another medicated cycle last month and it didn’t work again. I decided to not do anything this month, mostly because it’s the new year and I don’t feel like starting it off with numerous dr appts and last year I reached my deductible so everything was paid for and now I’ll have to start over. Ok so maybe I just want to be lazy this month, not be in baby mode and not have to worry about any of this stuff. There I said it!

I really thought last month was going to be my month. I had 2 weeks off from work which was amazing and it completely eliminated all of my stress. I stepped out of the box and I made an appt for Reiki. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Reiki it’s a technique that uses hands on healing, the person doing the Reiki on you is transferring universal energy which is supposed to be healing. If anything I’m glad that I had it done because it’s very relaxing, she played soft music and gently laid her hands on me. There were times where her hands were very warm, so warm I could feel them through my clothes, she said this was the energy flowing through her. At one point she had her hand on my chest and asked me what kind of grief I was carrying in my heart because it was so heavy. Cue the tears. I told her about my recent miscarriage and how we’ve been trying for a family for 5 years. Do I think Reiki did some good, absolutely. I think it helped me open up and allowed me to feel the pain I’ve been through this past year and it helped me to accept where I am in my journey. A week after my Reiki appt I scheduled an appt to see a spiritual reader. I’ve had readings a handful of times and I felt like I was at a point where I really  need some sort of reassurance. I’d never met with this particular girl before and I didn’t really feel like she was in tune like I’ve experienced during past readings. She did say that she saw me having two children, the first being a boy and not long after his arrival we’ll be blessed with another pregnancy and we’ll have a  very sassy pants little girl. Sure it’s nice to hear someone tell me that I’m going to be a mom but I’ve been told this before and here I am today still not a mom. I feel like I got more out of the Reiki than I did the reading and who knows maybe at some point I’ll make follow-up appointments for each but for now I’m going to go back to living one day at a time and embracing whatever happens at the end of each day.

10 days to go…

Two days after my last post I started my cycle. I never thought I would be excited to get my period but this time was a cause for celebration. I called the clinic to schedule my ultra sound because I was mentally and emotionally prepared to start the meds again. Unfortunately we hit another block in the road, I had a cyst which means no meds. My dr as always was upbeat and promising and told us to have timed intercourse every other day staring on day 9-18. So that’s what we did and now I’m 4 days into the 2ww. As the days crawl by my mind always gets the best of me. I look for anything that might be a symptom I sometimes even make them up in my head. Darn you infertility you’ve turned me into a crazy woman!

I’m convinced that what I am feeling is pms. I want to shove any and all food that is put in front of me in my mouth…like seriously I just can’t get enough. I keep feeling my boobs hoping the hurt just a little bit more each day. They’re sore now but why wouldn’t they be sore, I have pms. I ride the bus into the city each day for work and yesterday on the way home I fell asleep, like out cold sleeping. Somehow my 45 minute commute turned into me closing my eyes and opening them to realize I was almost home. This is all silly talk I know but I’ve said from the beginning of my journey if you can’t laugh and keep your sense of humor through all of this you will literally go nuts. So here’s to the next 10 days and whatever they might have in store for me.

The Hurry up and Wait Game

It’s been 29 days since I went in for my d&c. The dr told me that it could take 6-8 weeks to get my cycle so here I sit waiting. I’ve pretty much gone through every emotion in the last month. I grieved and I grieved hard. I had a day where I physically couldn’t get out of bed or stop crying. John picked me up, literally and forced me to live life that day and you know, I got through it. Funny thing is he told me he was waiting for my meltdown, I wish he would have shared that information with me because I thought I had all of my emotions under control up until that point. The next day we had our post op with my Dr who is one of the best caregivers I’ve ever had. He told me ways to tackle the situational depression/emotions that I’ve been experiencing so I’ve been working on Myself as of lately. We also came up with a game plan once my cycle decides to make its debut. He’s going to put me back on the Letrozole because I’ve responded so well to it in the past, I’ll continue to be monitored to see how many follicles I have, I’ll take the Ovidrel and this time instead of doing another round of IUI we’re going to just have timed intercourse. I still think it’s interesting because we’ve been pregnant 5x’s and each one of those times we’ve done it on our own. I have high hopes for us this time assuming I can survive the wait of the cycle.

I’m so glad I finally took a few minutes to write this post, I haven’t written in awhile and someone just asked me this week if I was keeping up with my blog and I had to confess that I hadn’t been writing at all. I guess it’s just because I feel like I’m in such limbo right now. This whole process has been such a huge part of my life for the last 5 years and when I’m not in baby making mode I’m not sure what to do with myself. I feel good that we’ve got a plan in place and I’m ready….

Picking up the pieces after another loss

5 years, 5 losses and 5 surgeries that’s where we’re at to date.

I went in on Monday for my d&c. This is the second one I’ve had so I knew what to expect this time, not that it made it any easier because it certainly didn’t. The nurses were absolutely amazing at the surgery center and I couldn’t possibly show them enough appreciation for helping me get through the day. I didn’t experience any physical pain but the heartache that continues to grow within me is so strong I just don’t know how to deal with it. I went back to work yesterday and I really struggled, I hadn’t been to work in a week and people wanted to catch up…tell me about their weekends, the new car they bought, their kids hockey practice. I had such a hard time being fake happy. I didn’t want to hear any of their stories I wanted to sit at my desk with with my own thoughts and be alone.

I go in on Tues to meet with my dr for my post-op. I did ask him before surgery how long I would have to wait until we could start trying again. He said for the first month we can try on our own with no meds and if we aren’t successful during that month then I can go back on the meds. I think my emotional healing is going to take longer than that so I don’t think I’m going to set a timeline because I just need to keep taking things one day at a time. I’m going to try to focus on tackling the little obstacles in my life right now like making it through a workday without wanting to punch someone, or not immediately climbing into bed when I get home. We’ve been through this before so I know that time will heal us and we’ll come out on the other side even stronger than we did before.

And this is why I don’t allow myself to get excited

Bad news…I went in for my US last Fri and there was still no heartbeat,  the Dr called it a blight ovum. This is my 3rd blight ovum so I wasn’t surprised with anything he told me. They drew blood because he wanted to see where my hormone levels were at, If they are high I’m going to have to go in for a d&c if they’re low enough I’m just going to let my body miscarry on its own. At this point I’m not sure which one is really better, I’ve done both in the past and to be honest neither is easy so I’ll just wait for the call this afternoon and take the recommendation of the dr.

I’m trying to get my feelings under control. My whole time at the clinic seems foggy, I was there but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything. The receptionist immediately came up to me and gave me a big hug. Seriously these people that work at my clinic are absolutely amazing, if it wasn’t for them I think I would have quit years ago. I’ve been going through the motions of life when in reality I just want to not have to pretend that I’m happy and that life is good. I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m pissed and broken. I want to be able to cry and not feel bad about it. I was so embarrassed when I left the clinic, embarrassed because my body has failed me again. It breaks my heart to look into John’s eyes and to see his sadness.

I saw my therapist on Saturday and he asked me where I’m going to go from here? I can’t admit defeat yet, I somehow need to find the strength to get through the next few weeks, take the 2 month break the dr is going to make me take and pick back up from the beginning. Does that make me crazy…possibly but we’ve come way too far to not see how the story ends.

Still waiting on our heartbeat

I had my ultra sound last Friday and I heard the dreaded words that I’ve been told before, “It’s too early to see a heartbeat.” We’ve been in this boat before, we’ve gotten this far but never once have we seen a heartbeat so it’s hard not to over analyze and worry. I hate to admit it but the people at my clinic were more excited to see me and hear about my pregnancy than I have been. I feel like if I don’t get emotionally involved yet I’m protecting my heart. I keep waiting for more symptoms to kick in, I’ve gotten up the last few nights and have gone to the bathroom. I’m wondering if I’m doing it because I know that’s what pregnant people are supposed to do. Your mind can play such funny tricks on you. My biggest symptom are still my boobs….oh boy do they hurt. Someone hugged me the other day and I wanted to cry because it hurt so much. There’s my glimmer of hope…sad I know! The dr wants me to come back in this Fri for another US. He told me like it was, either we see a heartbeat or we know I’m going to miscarry. He tells me like it is but yet when I saw him at my last appt he gave me a big hug. We see the dr’s as such all knowing beings that it’s easy to forget that they go through this journey with us as well and they want us to bring home a baby just as much as we want it. For that I can appreciate the matter of fact conversations that we share because I know someone has to be strong for us.

So it’s Tues and I have roughly another 3 days to get through before I have my appt. We decided tonight would be date night and what better way to spend a date night than by eating breakfast for dinner. Yes my friends it’s been on my calendar for a month, Mcdonald’s has finally started serving all day breakfast. Dinner will consist of our favorite breakfast foods and then off to the movies we go. I’ll just try to keep myself busy for the remainder for the week so my mind doesn’t wander too much. Here’s to a quick rest of the week and good news on Friday!

Refreshed and Ready to Tackle our Next Adventure

*pregnancy mentioned*

I’ve been back from vacation for two weeks now, it was a much needed trip but also a little bitter sweet. I mentioned in my last post how when we were on vacation last year I had a miscarriage. I’d been burying those memories deep down as the trip grew closer because I wasn’t sure how I would feel. Ya know everything was ok, it crossed my thoughts a few times but I didn’t let it get me down or ruin any of my time away. The whole point of this trip was to relax and have an amazing time together which is exactly what we did.

I was supposed to start my cycle during our week away and I was praying it would show up towards the later part of the week because I really wanted to do another round of IUI this month since we took a break from it all last month. My app told me my cd1 should have started on that Monday. Well Mon, Tues and Wed came and went with no period. When I was packing my suitcase for this trip I just happened to throw a pregnancy test into my bag because seriously who doesn’t pack pregnancy tests with them on vacation!! By the time Thurs morning rolled around I talked myself into taking the test and what did I see…a freaking positive staring back at me! No shots, no specimen cups, no procedures, no crazy hormones just us being us making a baby. What a very surreal moment and it’s been 11 days and I still feel the same. I had my first beta check last Monday and my number came back at 303 which confirms yes I am pregnant. I had another test 48 hours later and the number doubled to 657. The dr wanted me to get checked one more time so I went in early yesterday morning and the dr called me last night with what he called a perfect number of 2,544. I have an ultra sound scheduled for this Fri and he said we could potentially see a heartbeat. Never have we made it to the point where we’ve been able to see a heartbeat so that’s just one of the things I’m nervous about. We’ve been at this for 4 years and I’m going to selfishly say I need this so desperately. Everyone at the clinic keeps telling me to be positive but it’s hard when you’ve been through all that we’ve had. I’m probably going to kick myself for saying this but I wish I felt more pregnant as reassurance. Besides sore boobs I feel totally normal. I had bloating for a week and in the last 3 days that has gone away. Otherwise I’m not sick and I don’t take any extra trips to the bathroom. So I guess I’ll just keep poking my boobs to make sure they continue being sore until the other symptoms make their debut. I keep telling John I need to take this one day at a time so here’s to hopeful thoughts and making it through the next few days without driving myself or him crazy.

Vacation Day #1. John hates selfies, I love them!
Vacation Day #1. John hates selfies, I love them!